I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
