well I can't set my house on fire every night
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Dear god my vagina.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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