I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
