I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
