1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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