Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
