i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
