if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
