mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
