i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
