I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
