if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
