I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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