I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
