You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
