She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
