1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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