How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Randomize
