I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
