Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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