You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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