Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
