you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
