Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am in a vortex of obligation.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
