This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
