apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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