so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
