I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
