When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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