Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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