Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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