if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
