we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
