if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
