i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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