My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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