Where did you get a picture of my penis
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
