she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
