My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
