I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
