Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
