I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
