good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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