This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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