Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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