If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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