I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
