oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
