mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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