Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
